You Can’t Change On Your Own

These Show Notes are a ChatGPT summary of the episode transcript (with brief additional editing)

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In today’s episode of the podcast Kim and Rog explore the complex topic of personal change within a relationship, focusing on how to communicate individual growth to a partner who may not be on the same page. The episode begins with Kim posing a crucial question: how do you talk to your partner about self-change, especially when it feels like a solitary journey? This episode delves into addressing surprise without blame, navigating gender dynamics, and historical contexts influencing these feelings.

Kim introduces the topic by referencing a scenario from the reality TV show, “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” where a couple discusses changes the woman is making in her life. This scene sparks a broader conversation about the gender dynamics at play when a woman changes and her partner struggles with it. Kim emphasizes that historically, women have borne a greater responsibility for childrearing, household management, and the mental load, leading to feelings of exhaustion and resentment when they seek growth and change.

The discussion highlights that women often do not have the energy to bring their partners along on their journey of change, leading to frustration and a sense of being unsupported. Kim and Rog stress the importance of understanding these gender dynamics to appreciate why it can feel so disrespectful and unsupportive when a partner resists change.

Rog adds context by mentioning their previous discussion with Penny and Hugh about the “Fair Play” cards and mental load. He notes that societal expectations and gender stereotypes play a significant role in how household and life responsibilities are divided, often leaving women with an unfair share by default. When they seek to move outside these states, this is where conflict can arise. Rog shares that 70% of divorces are initiated by women, largely because they feel unsupported, unseen, and emotionally burdened in their relationships.

Kim elaborates on the scene from “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” where the woman’s partner struggles to accept her changes. She points out that while it may seem unfair as once again women have to fight for a fundamental right (to grow and change), women often need to educate their partners about their needs and desires to achieve the desired outcome of a supportive, understanding relationship. This requires patience and a focus on the long-term goal of mutual growth and happiness.

The episode also touches on the disparity between men and women’s communication styles which can lead to women continuously feeling unheard but also men feeling blindsided when change does occur. While women may feel they are clearly expressing their needs, men might not understand or recognize these signals. This miscommunication can lead to feelings of frustration and exhaustion for women, who feel they are constantly advocating for themselves without being heard.

To address this, Kim and Rog provide three steps for women to bring their partners along on their journey of change:

· Be Direct: Clearly state what you want and need, and make it known that you want your partner to be part of the journey. This involves being explicit and repetitive in communication to ensure the message is understood.

· Go Slowly: Give your partner time to process the changes. Understand that you might need to explain your needs multiple times and in different ways. Seeking professional support can be beneficial in facilitating this process.

· Embrace Their Willingness and Expect Resistance: Recognize and appreciate the small efforts your partner makes towards change. Understand that progress might be slow and winding, but focus on the positive signs of effort, intent and the overall direction of your journey together.

Kim and Rog conclude by emphasizing the importance of being outcome-focused. While it may feel unjust and exhausting to repeatedly advocate for oneself, maintaining a focus on building a strong, happy relationship is crucial.