Will I Lose Myself if I Put My Relationship First

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In this weeks episode, Kim and Rog delve into the complex question of whether one risks losing their individuality by putting their relationship first. The episode centres around the concept of interdependence, a term championed by relationship expert Esther Perel, and explores how leaning into this concept can actually strengthen a relationship without sacrificing personal identity.

Kim begins the episode by outlining the importance of understanding interdependence in relationships. She explains that interdependence exists naturally in any relationship, meaning that the actions of one partner inevitably impact the other. This mutual influence can either be embraced to grow the relationship or resisted, which can lead to disconnection and strain. Kim emphasizes that interdependence does not equate to a loss of self but rather to recognizing the bond and influence that naturally occur between partners.

Kim and Rog then distinguish interdependence from co-dependence, a term often laden with negative connotations. While interdependence is a healthy mutual reliance that enhances the relationship, co-dependence involves an unhealthy level of reliance that negatively impacts one or both partners’ well-being. Kim clarifies that interdependence is about supporting each other’s growth while maintaining individuality, whereas co-dependence often leads to enmeshment and a loss of personal identity.

Rog introduces an analogy that resonates throughout the episode: the relationship as an ecosystem. He explains that just like in nature, where every action within an ecosystem affects all its inhabitants, every action within a relationship impacts both partners and the family unit. Whether intentional or not, these actions create ripples that affect the overall harmony and balance of the relationship. Rog stresses that by understanding this interconnectedness, couples can make more mindful decisions that benefit the relationship as a whole.

The discussion further explores the fear many people have of losing themselves in a relationship. Rog acknowledges that contemporary society places a high value on individualism, which often conflicts with the natural human desire for connection and intimacy. This tension creates a push and pull in relationships, where individuals struggle to balance their personal growth with their need for connection. Kim adds that this fear can be mitigated by understanding that interdependence does not mean sacrificing individuality but rather sharing one’s true self within the relationship.

They also discuss how putting the team first does not necessarily mean making more sacrifices than if one were to focus solely on individual pursuits. Rog gives an example of sacrificing a personal hobby like golf to support the family’s values and activities. He points out that while this might seem like a sacrifice, it actually strengthens the family unit and brings positive energy back into the relationship, demonstrating the benefits of interdependence.

Kim elaborates on how interdependence fosters a supportive environment that allows both partners to thrive. She explains that when partners support each other’s individual goals within the context of their relationship, they create a flow of positive energy that benefits both the individuals and the relationship as a whole. This mutual support enhances the overall health and resilience of the relationship, making it a nurturing space for both partners to grow.

To help listeners navigate the balance between individuality and interdependence, Kim and Rog offer practical tips inspired by Esther Perel:

1. Embrace the Paradox: Acknowledge the need to put the relationship first while also seeking out individual pursuits. Have open discussions with your partner about how to support each other’s personal goals within the context of the relationship.

2. Create Space for Individuality: Prioritise individual goals alongside team goals. Set aside specific times for individual pursuits, recognizing that supporting each other’s interests can strengthen the relationship.

3. Get Curious About Your Partner’s Interests: Even if you don’t share your partner’s hobbies or passions, show interest and ask questions. This demonstrates support for their individuality and reinforces the bond between you.