How to Respond When You’re Feeling Rejected

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In Episode 107 Kim and Rog unpack why those moments of rejection cut deeper than we expect, what’s really happening beneath the surface, and how couples can handle them in ways that build connection instead of conflict.

The Little Moments That Hurt More Than They Should

Kim shares a personal story: Rog went out for drinks with friends, which was all fine — until she found out some of the other partners had been there too. Her first thought? “Why wasn’t I invited?”

That tiny oversight sparked a familiar emotional sting — one that most couples will recognise. As Kim explains, rejection doesn’t always show up in dramatic ways; often, it hides in the small, everyday moments where we feel unseen or left out.

Rog admits he’s felt it too — like when Kim watched ahead on their shared TV show. It’s funny, but the feeling is real. These moments touch something deeper because they symbolise lost opportunities for connection. When life is full of busyness and chaos, those little shared experiences feel rare — and when they disappear, it hits harder than we expect.

Why Rejection Feels Like Pain

Kim explains that emotional rejection activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain. That “sting” you feel in your chest isn’t just in your head — your nervous system literally perceives it as a threat.

Our brains are wired for survival, constantly scanning for safety cues. So when we feel left out or unseen, our body’s first reaction is to ask: “Am I still safe here?” That fear, even if subconscious, can lead to emotional spirals, assumptions, and defensive reactions.

As Brené Brown says, “In the absence of data, we make up stories.”
When we don’t understand what’s happening, we start creating explanations — often the worst ones — like “They don’t care” or “I don’t matter.”

The Spiral That Pushes You Apart

Rog points out that what begins as a small misunderstanding can quickly become an emotional spiral. When one partner reacts from hurt, the other often feels attacked and becomes defensive.

John Gottman calls defensiveness one of the Four Horsemen of Communication, because it blocks repair and fuels disconnection.

Sue Johnson captures it perfectly:

“We protect ourselves most when we most need to reach out for each other.”

Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens. We turn inward when what we really need is to reach out.

So how can we handle these feelings of rejection?

If You’re the One Who Feels Rejected

Kim and Rog walk through a simple process for bringing up hurt feelings without turning them into a fight:

1. Start with a soft startup.

Skip the “You never include me!” and try “Hey, I felt a bit left out.”
How you start determines how it ends.

2. Use “I” statements.

Talk about your feelings instead of their behaviour.
“When I found out the other partners were there, I felt left out. I miss doing fun things with you.”

3. Lead with vulnerability, not blame.

As Brené Brown reminds us, “Blame shuts doors; vulnerability opens them.”
Being open about sadness or longing invites empathy instead of defensiveness.

Kim adds that simply naming the emotion — sadness, disappointment, or longing — can calm your body and help you stay grounded in the conversation.

If You’re the Partner Who Caused the Hurt

For the other partner, the antidote to defensiveness is simple but powerful: take responsibility — even for a small part.

Gottman says the best repair begins when one person owns a piece of the problem. Tatkin adds that healing happens when one partner responds differently to the emotion being directed at them.

That means leading with reassurance first, logic second. Try:

“Oh wow, I can see that really hurt you. I didn’t realise it would land that way. I get why you’d feel left out — I probably would too.”

Once your partner feels seen, then add context or clarity:

“It honestly wasn’t intentional. Next time I’ll check who’s going so you’re not left out.”

Or, for the TV example:

“You’re right, I should’ve waited. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to watch it with you — I just got carried away. You pick something tonight.”

It’s empathy first, responsibility second, explanation last.