How to Feel Seen and Appreciated in Your Relationship

These Show Notes are a ChatGPT summary of the episode transcript (with brief additional editing)

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Ever found yourself thinking, “Do they even notice everything I’m doing?” You’re working, juggling the kids, keeping the house afloat, and remembering all the little things—yet somehow, it feels like your efforts are invisible.

In this episode, Kim and Rog dive deep into that quiet ache so many people in long-term relationships feel: the longing to be seen, appreciated, and valued by your partner.

From Gestures to Assumptions: Where the Disconnect Begins

Kim opens with a story about booking a massage for Rog when he was struggling with a sore back but wouldn’t have organised it for himself. It was a simple act of love—a gesture to say, “I ee you. I care. You matter.” Rog shares how meaningful it felt, it wasn’t just a massage—it was evidence that he was seen and cared for.

This simple story sets the tone for the episode: love that is shown is love that is felt.

But over time, couples often stop showing love in small ways. Instead, they start assuming their partner knows how they feel. Kim explains that in the early stages of a relationship, it’s easy to “do love”—burning CDs, writing notes, planning surprise dates. But as the years go on and life gets busy, those love-drug-fueled actions fade. You think, “They know I love them. We’re married. We’ve got kids.” But assumptions, as Kim points out, make “an ass out of you and me.”

The Slippery Slope to Feeling Taken for Granted

Rog highlights how easy it is to slip into feeling invisible when life is demanding. You’re carrying the mental load, managing the chaos, and yet the effort often goes unnoticed. That’s when thoughts creep in:

• Would they even notice if I stopped?
• Do they actually see how much I do?
• Does anyone even care?

And when a partner can’t recall the last time they felt appreciated, those feelings of loneliness and disconnection start to take root.

Why We Need Evidence of Love

Kim and Rog emphasize that love needs to be made visible. We don’t just want to feel loved—we want proof. In tough times, we look for that evidence. And if we can’t find any recent moments that show we matter to our partner, we start to lose faith in the relationship.

That’s where the concept of the Love Bank (from John Gottman’s research) or 5:1 rule comes in. For every one negative interaction in a relationship, there should be five positive ones. This doesn’t mean grand gestures. It’s about small things:

• A kind word.
• A cup of tea.
• Booking a ticket to your partner’s favourite movie (even if it’s Bridget Jones).

These moments build credit. And when tough times hit, you can draw on that credit rather than slipping into love debt.

Love Is a Doing Word

Quoting Terry Real, Rog shares a powerful idea:

“Love is not a feeling, it’s an action. Don’t wait for the feeling—behave lovingly, and the feeling will come.”

Kim builds on this: Don’t wait to feel loving. Act loving. Because action drives emotion. Whether it’s booking a massage or simply saying “thank you,” these everyday efforts reignite the connection.

Three Ways to Get Your Partner Doing Love Again

Kim and Rog offer three practical strategies to help you build more visible love into your relationship:

1. Share the Podcast as a Soft Entry Point

Instead of confronting your partner, invite them to listen to this episode of Living the team life podcast (or Episode 25, “Love Is a Doing Word”). It’s a low-pressure way to open the door to change.

Example:

“Hey, I listened to this episode about small ways to reconnect. Maybe give it a go while you’re out for a run?”

2. Plan Out Doing Love Together

Sit down together and pick a couple of love bank deposits you can each make this week. Kim shares ideas like:

• Saying please and thank you.
• Leaving a note or sending a thoughtful text.
• High-fiving in the morning.
• Asking, “What can I do to support you this week?”

This makes it a shared project—not a criticism or complaint.

3. Model What You Want to Receive

This one’s tough, especially if you’re already feeling frustrated. But modeling love sets the tone. Be the behaviour you want to see in others. Show them how to do love.

Relationships are ecosystems—your actions influence theirs. If you want more visible love, show it first. Your partner will often mirror that back.