How to Break a Bad Relationship Habit in 3 Easy Steps

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In episode 90, Kim and Rog explore how bad relationship habits form, why they are so hard to break, and a simple three-step process to replace them with healthier behaviours. They emphasize that small, everyday habits—like avoiding tough conversations, shutting down during conflict, or failing to show appreciation—can slowly erode connection and trust in a relationship if left unchecked.

Why Bad Relationship Habits Form

Rog shares his personal struggle with stonewalling—the tendency to shut down instead of engaging. He recalls a moment when Kim was talking to him while he was watching cricket and scrolling on his phone. Instead of listening, he brushed her off, triggering frustration. For Kim, this wasn’t about that one moment—it reminded her of times in their past when stonewalling led to emotional disconnection.

Kim introduces the idea that bad habits don’t appear overnight but build gradually, comparing them to an overgrown bush that starts small but, if left unattended, blocks the whole path. The tricky part? These habits develop subtly, so couples often don’t realize the damage until they feel distant or disconnected.

Kim and Rog also highlight other common bad relationship habits:

• Stonewalling (Shutting Down) – Withdrawing instead of staying engaged.
• The Need to Win Every Argument – Turning conversations into a battle rather than working together.
• Taking Each Other for Granted – Forgetting to say “please” and “thank you,” which slowly erodes goodwill.

Why These Habits Are So Harmful

Kim explains that when life gets more stressful—kids, work, financial pressure—bad habits intensify. Instead of leaning on each other, partners might feel like they’re working against each other. She and Rog agree that what you practice becomes permanent, meaning that even small, seemingly insignificant behaviours become ingrained if repeated over time.

Rog brings in insights from Stan Tatkin, who explains that when couples are under stress, their fight, flight, or freeze response is activated. People then fall back into habits that feel like self-protection, but in reality, these behaviours often push their partner further away.

The 3 Steps to Breaking a Bad Relationship Habit

Step 1: Identify the Habit and What Triggers It

• The first step is awareness—you can’t fix what you don’t recognize.
• If you’re unsure what your bad habit is, your partner likely knows—listen with an open mind.
• Instead of blaming, say: “When this happens, I feel…”

Step 2: Replace the Habit with a Healthier Response

• Bad habits stick because they serve a purpose, so simply stopping them isn’t enough—you need to replace them with something better.
• Example:
  o Stonewalling → Turning Toward – Rog now makes a conscious effort to put down his phone and give Kim his attention.
  o Winning Arguments → Listening More – Kim reminds herself that “I don’t need to win; I need to understand.”
  o Lack of Gratitude → Expressing Appreciation – Making a habit of saying “thank you” and acknowledging each other’s efforts.

Step 3: Reinforce and Celebrate Progress

• Change doesn’t happen overnight—it requires consistency.
• When you see your partner making an effort, acknowledge it. Small encouragements build momentum.
• Over time, these small changes create new default behaviours, strengthening the relationship.