Fight Rewind. Exploring what’s at the Heart of it

These Show Notes are a ChatGPT summary of the episode transcript (with brief additional editing)

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In this episode of Living the Team Life, Kim and Rog, talk about the importance of understanding your partner’s point of view in a relationship. They discuss how they used to have fights that ended in hurt and shame because they didn’t understand each other’s perspectives. They unpack two scenarios from their first decade together from each other’s point of view that caused conflict in their relationship.

Some common fights from our past

In the first scenario, Kim is unhappy at her core about her current career and life path, when she gets home from work each day this underlying issue sometimes presents itself with Kim venting to Roger about various issues. Roger doesn’t understand why Kim is unhappy and thinks she blows things out of proportion, leading Kim to feel anxious and like she is walking on eggshells around him. They both acknowledge that at the time they lacked the skills to communicate their needs effectively, resulting in assumptions and misunderstandings that strained their relationship.

In the second scenario, Kim talks about their future plans, such as where they want to live or go on vacation and encourages Roger to push himself for a promotion at work. However, Roger feels suffocated and under a lot of pressure, leading him to shut down and feel like he’s not good enough for Kim. Roger admits that he likes to receive words of affirmation and recognition for his achievements, but he feels like he can never meet Kim’s expectations.

Finding alignment about what really matters

Both scenarios illustrate the importance of understanding each other’s real needs in a relationship. Kim and Roger acknowledge that they didn’t have the big picture conversations about who they were deep down or where they wanted to go, which led to misunderstandings during day-to-day disagreements. However, they also recognize the value of working through tough times and coming out stronger on the other side.

Kim and Rog emphasize that building the skills to understand someone else’s perspective or point of view is critical for a constructive and productive relationship. While communication is often seen as the core issue of a relationship, they argue that alignment is the core ingredient to a strong relationship. They explain that being aligned from a higher level, such as values and dreams, helps to recognize and appreciate each other’s point of view.

Tips on seeing things from each other’s point of view

They suggest that couples should treat their relationship as a separate entity by making it the number one priority, and creating a “couple bubble” or a team around it.

They believe in order to grow in a relationship couples should see disagreements through a “rift and repair” lens. This means that even during disagreements or arguments, couples should approach the situation with the understanding that they are on the same side (as opposed to one verses the other). Kim and Rog emphasize that this understanding only comes from building a strong team and having deeper conversations about each other’s hopes, dreams and fears. Without this, repetitive arguments and misunderstandings will continue to occur, even if couples try to improve their communication or fighting skills.

However, they acknowledge that in moments of conflict, things can be challenging. Therefore, they offer some tools to ease tension and inflammation in the moment, such as checking in with oneself, grounding oneself, and breathing deeply to access a more rational part of the brain. It’s also essential to check on one’s partner and ensure that they’re in a good place to talk before launching into a conversation. Moreover, it’s crucial to respect one’s partner’s boundaries and give them time and space to come back to the conversation when they’re ready.

In conclusion, understanding your partner’s point of view is crucial for a successful relationship. Building the skills to appreciate and respect each other’s perspectives can lead to a more fulfilling and enjoyable life together.