Feeling Stuck? All You Need Are the Right Skills

These Show Notes are a ChatGPT summary of the episode transcript (with brief additional editing)

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You’re not fighting all the time. You still love each other. But somehow, things feel… stuck. The spark is gone. Every day feels like Groundhog Day. You’re not unhappy, but you’re not thriving either.

In this powerful episode, Kim and Rog return to the topic of their first episode ever—“Is Your Relationship Stuck?”—with fresh insights, new research, and hard-earned wisdom from their own journey and work with couples. And the big takeaway? You’re not stuck because there’s something wrong with you or your partner. You’re stuck because no one ever taught you the skills.

Stuck Doesn’t Mean Broken

Kim opens the episode with a reminder: being stuck doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It doesn’t even mean anything is terribly wrong. More often, it means you’re drifting—going through the motions, not feeling close, and unsure how to get back to each other.

Rog shares the metaphor of being in a boat without a paddle. You’re not choosing your direction—you’re being pulled by the current. That’s what stuckness feels like: no agency, no clarity, no momentum. And eventually, it starts to impact your sense of connection, fun, and emotional safety.

Kim explains how this stuck feeling often comes with a mix of emotional symptoms:

• Grief for the version of your relationship that’s faded
• Numbness and disengagement
• Hopelessness about how to get back to “us”
• Feeling more like flatmates than teammates

You’re Not Alone—and It’s Not Your Fault

One of the most heartbreaking things about feeling stuck is the belief that this is just how relationships go. Kim and Rog gently but firmly challenge this. They remind listeners that no one is born knowing how to make a long-term relationship work—and most of us weren’t taught these skills at school, or modelled them at home.

The truth? Relationships don’t thrive on luck, chemistry, or choosing “the right person.” They thrive on skills. And those skills can be learned.

Kim emphasizes that the couples who grow together aren’t the ones who coast—they’re the ones who get curious, invest in their connection, and learn new ways to do love.

Why Skills Make All the Difference

“Who you choose as a partner is important—but the most important investment you’ll ever make is working on your relationship.”

And science backs it up. Rog cites a Harvard study showing that the quality of your relationships is a better predictor of long-term health than your cholesterol levels. Yep—your relationship has that much impact on your mental, emotional, and even physical wellbeing.

Working on your relationship isn’t just about surviving conflict—it’s about creating a space that supports both partners to thrive.

3 Simple Tools That Can Unstick Your Relationship

To make things practical, Kim and Rog introduce three core tools they teach in their online course, The Relationship Playbook. These aren’t fluffy ideas—they’re backed by research and designed to be easy to use in everyday life.

1. The 5:1 Ratio (Gottman Institute)

For every one negative interaction, aim for five positive ones. These can be as small as a smile, a kind word, or a joke. Positive moments build resilience and emotional safety.

Why it matters: Couples who maintain this ratio are significantly more likely to stay together long term.

2. Soft Startups

How you start a conversation determines how it ends—96% of the time. Instead of launching in with “You never help,” try “I’m feeling overwhelmed, can we talk about sharing the load?” Learning to lead with gentleness changes everything.

Why it matters: It reduces defensiveness and leads to actual connection, not conflict.

3. The Relationship Cycle

Inspired by Terry Real and Esther Perel, this tool teaches couples that all relationships move through three phases: harmony, disharmony, and repair. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict—it’s to recognize where you are and respond intentionally.

Why it matters: Knowing that disharmony is normal helps you stop catastrophizing conflict and start repairing more effectively.