Feel Like Your Partner Doesn’t Have Your Back? Here’s How to Fix It in 5 Simple Steps

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Have you ever walked away from a moment—big or small—thinking, “I should have had my partner’s back…”? Maybe you stayed silent when they needed support, or didn’t step in during an awkward moment with friends or family. In this episode, Kim and Rog break down exactly why these moments matter and how to make sure your partner always feels like you’re in their corner.

Why Having Each Other’s Back Is a Big Deal

Rog kicks off with a fun throwback to the 90s movie Sliding Doors—where one small moment changes the course of the main character’s entire life. That’s how it can feel when you don’t have your partner’s back in a moment that matters. You might wish you could go back and “Gwyneth” the moment—rewind and do it differently.

Kim jumps in to explain that even if it seems like a small thing, not showing up for your partner can shift the emotional trajectory of the relationship. Why? Because it hits at the core of what we all want in love: emotional safety. We want to know that our partner has us. That in life’s messiest, most vulnerable moments, we’re not alone.

They talk about how feeling safe in your relationship is what allows you to be your best self in the world. If you’re not getting that sense of safety at home, then everything feels heavier—stress, conflict, even taking risks.

Why We Sometimes Don’t Step Up

So why don’t we always show up for our partner, even if we love them? Rog shares some common reasons:

• We’re too caught up in our own stress or overwhelm
• We assume our partner can handle it (especially if they’re strong or confident)
• We avoid conflict or don’t want to make things awkward in public
• We don’t recognize that we need to act—we think love is a feeling, not something we have to do

Kim and Rog both reference Esther Perel’s idea that love is a verb—a doing word. It’s not enough to think, “Of course I’ve got your back—I’m your partner!” Your actions have to show it. That’s how trust is built.

What Happens When You Don’t Have Their Back

Kim shares what can start to build when these moments are missed:

• Emotional exposure (feeling “naked” and unsupported)
• Doubt and insecurity creeping into the relationship
• Resentment growing like a “relationship fungus”
• Trust slowly eroding

The 5-Step Process to Show Up Like a Teammate

Here’s the simple framework Kim and Rog use (and teach!) to help couples consistently have each other’s back:

1. Read the Moment

Tune in. Is your partner uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or being dismissed? Watch their body language, tone, and energy. Rog reminds us—you know your partner better than anyone. If something feels off, they probably need you.

2. Take Their Side (Even If You Don’t Fully Agree)

Kim calls this a big one—especially in public. You don’t have to agree 100%, but in the moment, your job is to stand with them, not question or correct them. You can talk things through privately later. But right now, the message needs to be: “I’ve got you.”

3. Take Action

This is about showing, not just saying. Whether it’s defending them, physically stepping closer, or gently redirecting a situation—your action matters. Rog shares a great example about speaking up when someone bulldozes your partner in a group setting. Don’t wait till later to say, “That sucked.” Step in when it counts.

4. Check In

Afterward, ask your partner, “Did that help?” or “Was there something more I could have done?” It’s a powerful way to show you care about their experience, not just your intention. Even if you think you nailed it—check anyway. It’s another moment of connection.

5. Reinforce

Close the loop. Tell your partner: “I’ve always got your back.” Let them hear it, feel it, and know it’s not a one-time thing. You’re their teammate for the long haul.