Do Your Resent Your Partner?

Apple | Spotify

In episode 76 of their podcast, Kim and Rog tackle the heavy and often taboo topic of resentment in relationships. The episode aims to help listeners spot and address resentment early, discuss common scenarios that lead to these feelings, and provide strategies for initiating conversations that heal and strengthen relationships.

Understanding Resentment:

Kim explains that resentment is a feeling that can quickly build in relationships, stemming from feelings of being wronged, hurt, or mistreated. These feelings, if left unaddressed, can lead to anger, bitterness, dissatisfaction, and general unhappiness in the relationship. Rog adds that resentment can happen to anyone and is not something to feel shame about. He emphasizes that it’s important to address resentment to maintain a healthy emotional connection.

Kim and Rog discuss the impact of resentment on relationships, noting that it can erode trust, intimacy, and connection. As resentment builds, it changes how partners perceive each other, often leading to increased conflict and communication breakdowns. Kim shares a personal experience where she felt frustrated and resentful in their relationship, leading to more conflict and a negative bias in her perceptions.

Rog explains that resentment often leads to dissatisfaction in the relationship, making it difficult for couples to grow together. He highlights the importance of addressing resentment to avoid emotional disconnection and stagnation.

Common Scenarios Leading to Resentment:

Kim and Rog outline several common scenarios that can lead to resentment in relationships:

1. Household Chores and Mental Load:

• Kim explains that women often carry a larger share of household chores and the mental load, regardless of their paid employment status. This imbalance can lead to feelings of overwhelm and resentment.

2. Returning to Work After Having a Baby:

• The transition back to work after having a baby can be challenging for both partners. Kim notes that mothers may feel overwhelmed and guilty, leading to unspoken needs and expectations. Fathers may also feel resentment if their expectations of parenting roles are not met.

3. Inequity in Social Time:

• Disparities in the amount of social time each partner gets can lead to resentment, with one partner feeling they are missing out on social activities while the other enjoys more freedom.

4. Financial Decisions:

• Financial disagreements and lack of clear communication about financial goals can cause significant resentment. Kim and Rog discuss how unspoken expectations and perceived inequities in spending and saving can lead to frustration.

5. Lack of Emotional Support:

• When a partner feels their emotional needs are not being validated or understood, it can lead to resentment and erode the emotional connection in the relationship.

Addressing Resentment:

Rog introduces the concept of the “three un’s” as key factors that contribute to resentment: unmet expectations, unresolved conflicts, and unspoken grievances. He emphasizes the importance of effective communication skills to address these issues proactively.

Kim suggests two approaches to addressing resentment: establishing regular communication routines and setting a time to discuss issues gently. Regular weekly catch-ups can help prevent resentment from building up, while setting a mutually agreeable time for difficult conversations can help partners address underlying issues in a constructive manner.

Tips for Difficult Conversations:

1. Use a Gentle Startup:

• Dr. John Gottman advises starting conversations gently to avoid negative outcomes. Harsh startups often lead to defensive reactions and unproductive discussions.

2. Use “I” Statements:

• Expressing feelings using “I” statements helps take responsibility and avoids blaming the partner. For example, “I appreciate how much you handle for us. I was worried when you made that big purchase without talking about it.”

3. Accept Initial Discomfort:

• Acknowledge that the first few minutes of a difficult conversation might be uncomfortable. Pushing through this discomfort is essential for addressing the issue.

4. Show Empathy:

• Bringing empathy to the conversation helps partners understand each other’s perspectives and fosters emotional intimacy.

Kim and Rog emphasize the importance of celebrating progress and acknowledging the effort put into having difficult conversations. They suggest expressing pride in the relationship’s strength and resilience after addressing tough issues.