Do You Actually Need Boundaries in Your Relationship?

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Ever said yes to something—work, family, friends—and then felt that sinking feeling of, “This is going to cost me time or connection with my partner”? Maybe you didn’t check in, maybe it threw off your weekend, or maybe it just added to that low hum of stress you both carry.

In this episode, Kim and Rog are unpacking the real reason why so many couples feel like their relationship is coming in second—and how boundaries can help you protect what matters most.

Why Boundaries Get a Bad Rap

Kim kicks off with a celebrity example where Blanco described having “really great boundaries” as a key strength in their relationship. It got her thinking—why do we hear the word “boundaries” and immediately picture rigid rules or a controlling partner? Why do we associate boundaries with being uptight or dramatic?

Rog chimes in with his own observation: we often label people without boundaries as chaotic. And yet, we resist setting them ourselves because we don’t want to seem harsh. It’s a contradiction, and it highlights a cultural misunderstanding: boundaries aren’t about pushing people away—they’re about protecting what’s important.

What Boundaries Really Are (and Why They Matter)

Boundaries are like the framework of your relationship house. Rog explains that if safety is the foundation, boundaries are the frame—they define what’s okay and what’s not, protecting your time, energy, trust, and connection.

Examples?

• No phones during date night.
• Not bad-mouthing each other to family or friends.
• Checking in before committing to weekend plans.

Kim expands on this by calling boundaries a reflection of your shared values. They help set the culture of your relationship. If your culture is “We’re a team,” then your boundaries are how you live that out in the real world.

Why People Struggle to Set Boundaries

It’s not usually about being selfish or disrespectful—it’s often the opposite. Kim and Rog list a bunch of very human reasons:

• You don’t want to upset others (friends, family, your boss).
• You feel guilty for saying no.
• You didn’t grow up with good models of boundary-setting.
• You forget why a boundary matters in the first place.

And sometimes, it’s because you haven’t clarified the why behind the boundary—so when it gets tested, you cave.

The Benefits of Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re fences with gates. You decide when to open or close them. The payoff?

• Clarity – You know what’s expected and what’s okay.
• Fewer fights – Because the rules are clear.
• More loyalty – You keep showing each other that you come first.
• Protected time and energy – Especially when life is full-on.
• A stronger team – Boundaries say, “This is how we do things. Together.”

Every time you stick to a boundary, you’re reinforcing: “We matter. I’ve got your back.”

How to Set Boundaries in 3 Simple Steps

Kim and Rog offer a super doable, three-step process—with a fictional couple, Sam and Lisa, to walk it through.

Step 1: Notice the Problem

Ask:

• Are we feeling second place to work, family, or social plans?
• Is something outside us creating tension or resentment?
• Are we stuck in a loop we keep complaining about?

→ In Sam and Lisa’s case, it’s unannounced visits from family that disrupt their weekend recharge time.

Step 2: Agree on What You’re Protecting

Ask

• What part of our relationship is this affecting? (Time? Peace? Energy? Trust?)
• What do we want instead?
• Why does it matter to us?

→ Sam and Lisa want peaceful, protected downtime on weekends. Their “why”? Feeling connected and having space to breathe before another big week.

Step 3: Set a Clear Rule and Stick to It

Turn your “why” into action. Examples:

• “We don’t make weekend plans without checking in.”
• “We don’t answer work emails after 6pm.”
• “People need to call before dropping by.”

→ Sam agrees to speak to his parents and explain the new plan: visits need to be scheduled in advance. Lisa thanks him for backing her up—because enforcing the boundary isn’t just about setting it, it’s about being a united front.

Bonus tip: Never throw your partner under the bus. Don’t say, “My partner doesn’t want us to…” Say, “This is what works for us.” That’s team life