Are You Waiting to be Happy?

Apple | Spotify

In this week’s episode, Kim and Rog explore the common tendency to defer happiness and connection in relationships, often waiting for a more ideal future to prioritize these aspects. Rog opens the episode by posing the critical question, “Are you waiting to be happy?” He reflects on how many people put off focusing on their relationships, thinking that they will have more time and better circumstances later. The episode delves into the risks of postponing joy and satisfaction, and how adopting a growth mindset can transform this approach to life and love.

The Risks of Waiting for Happiness

Rog highlights the dangers of deferring happiness, explaining that waiting for the perfect future environment can lead to disconnection and dissatisfaction. He notes that while it might seem reasonable to delay working on the relationship until circumstances improve, this future often never arrives, and the connection between partners can erode over time. This erosion can result in couples feeling more like coworkers, managing household duties without intimacy or romance.

Kim agrees and elaborates on how this mindset can trap people in a cycle of dissatisfaction. She points out that people often say things like, “Once the kids are older,” or “Once we have the house paid off, we’ll focus on us,” but these moments keep getting pushed further into the future. By postponing happiness and not working on the relationship, couples risk losing emotional connection and the joy that comes from growing together.

Philosophical Reflection

Kim and Rog get philosophical about the concept of living in the present moment. Kim explains that reality is only what exists right now, and that the future is just an imagination. Waiting for happiness in a future moment is not living, and it robs people of the opportunity to find joy in the present. Rog adds that people who dwell on the past often feel unhappy, while those who are anxious tend to worry about the future. The key to contentment, he suggests, lies in focusing on the present.

Why Do We Wait to Be Happy?

Rog introduces research by psychologist Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, who has studied why people defer happiness. Gilbert’s concept of affective forecasting explains that people often overestimate the emotional impact of future events, believing that they will be happier once certain conditions are met. However, when that future arrives, it rarely brings the expected happiness, leading to a cycle of continuous waiting and missed opportunities for joy in the present.

Kim and Rog discuss relatable examples, such as waiting until a certain time of year to start a fitness regimen, or delaying important conversations with a partner until life is less busy. These delays can lead to resentment, disconnection, and missed opportunities to strengthen the relationship.

The Role of Mindset:

Kim introduces the concept of fixed versus growth mindsets, drawing on the work of renowned psychologist Carol Dweck. A fixed mindset leads people to believe that their circumstances are unchangeable, causing them to wait passively for things to improve. In contrast, a growth mindset encourages taking action in the present, believing in the potential for improvement and development. Kim and Rog emphasize that adopting a growth mindset can help couples stop waiting for the perfect moment and start building happiness and connection today.

Kim shares how the concept of Kaizen—continuous improvement through small, incremental changes—can be applied to relationships. He explains that by making small changes now, couples can gain momentum and see positive results, which motivates further growth and improvement.

Practical Steps for Pursuing Happiness Now:

Kim and Rog offer practical advice for couples who want to stop waiting and start pursuing happiness now:
• Start Small: Identify two small changes you can make together, such as reducing alcohol consumption or going for a weekly walk.
• Embrace New Challenges: Take on a new activity together, whether it’s a fitness goal, a hobby, or starting a savings plan.
• Write Down Goals: Make your goals visible and set timelines to keep each other accountable and celebrate progress.
• Reevaluate Priorities: Regularly assess what you can say no to in order to make room for more meaningful activities that bring you joy and connection.