7 Lessons from 10 years of Marriage

These Show Notes are a ChatGPT summary of the episode transcript (with brief additional editing)

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In this episode Kim and Rog share the lessons they have learned from their first decade of marriage. As a couple who have undergone significant changes and growth together, they share their insights for relationship success. Their approach to marriage is one of working as a team and pursuing a common vision, which they believe has been instrumental in their journey.

Shared purpose is key to a fulfilling life together

Kim starts by sharing the importance of having a shared purpose with your partner. She cites a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche, which states that “he who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” According to Kim, having a shared purpose allows couples to face challenges and difficulties together as a combined force because they are united in a common goal.

She explains that their shared purpose has evolved over the years and they use that joint “north star” as the foundation to pursuing their dreams. This has allowed them to find fulfillment and happiness in their lives, even in the face of adversity.

The wedding isn’t the pinnacle… it’s the start line.

Rog emphasizes that a wedding is just the start line and the real work begins after the wedding day. He believes that a lot of people think the job is done after getting married, but in reality, couples should be looking towards the future and figuring out how they want to spend their lives together. Achieving something worthwhile requires putting in the hard work and having someone who is working in the same direction is crucial. Having someone who always has your back can help you deal with life’s challenges, and having a great relationship is like having an anchor in your life.

Look inward

The podcast discusses the negative impact of FOMO and social media on relationships and how important it is to focus on one’s own values and priorities to avoid comparing oneself to others. By knowing one’s values and staying true to them, the pull of other peoples “perfect” lives on social media fades away, and couples can find the truest expression of themselves and their relationship. As adults, we can dictate our definition of success and work towards it, making everything else just peripheral noise. Focusing on our values and priorities as a couple helps us avoid the fear of missing out and allows us to stay true to ourselves and our relationships.

From little things big things grow

Rog and Kim discuss the importance of small acts of kindness and love in a relationship. They reference Dr John Gottman’s “magic ratio” of five positive interactions to one negative interaction and stress the need to prioritize and consciously make an effort to be kind, empathetic and considerate towards one’s partner. They give simple examples such as buying two coffees instead of one, leaving the toilet seat down, and doing little acts of love and kindness. They emphasize that these small moments add up over time and can strengthen a relationship.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Kim and Rog reflect on how becoming a carer has changed their perspective on life and made them focus on the big things that really matter, rather than focusing on the small stuff that really doesn’t.

They talk about their personal experience as parents who are also carers for their non-speaking autistic daughter. They explain that becoming a carer changes the way they view the future and puts things in perspective. They have learned through the strength and resilience of their daughter – despite the challenges she faces everyday – that the little things that used to worry them do not matter anymore because they are focused on the bigger things that matter.

Having a plan for your life isn’t boring!

The key takeaway from the conversation was the idea that planning together doesn’t have to be boring. In fact, it can be a source of excitement and inspiration. By setting goals, establishing routines, and focusing their energy on achieving them together, couples can create a foundation for a more fulfilling life.

Another benefit of planning is that it can build trust and bonding between partners. When couples work together to achieve a shared goal, they create a history of following through on commitments and supporting each other. This can lead to a deeper sense of connection and a more fulfilling relationship overall.

Be a team – sharing the wins makes them more enjoyable, sharing the losses makes them more bearable

Kim and Rog reflect on the importance of being a team in a relationship. They discuss the benefits of treating a relationship as its own entity, including sharing the mental load, tapping into each other’s skillsets, building trust, connection, and intimacy, and bonding. Kim and Rog emphasize that being a team is an efficient use of resources and an effective way to achieve common goals in life. They also mention that becoming a team provides a sense of safety and security that creates a foundation for couples to get more out of themselves and each other.