
5 Reframes to Help You See Your Relationship Differently
Reframing helps empower couples to find new ways to tackle situations by stepping back to see the bigger picture.
These Show Notes are a ChatGPT summary of the episode transcript (with brief additional editing)
Episode 75: 5 Reframes to Help You See Your Relationship Differently
In this week’s episode, Kim and Rog delve into the transformative power of reframing to help couples see their relationships differently. Kim opens the episode by explaining how our default reactions and stories can impact our experiences negatively. She emphasizes that reframing is more than just seeing the glass half full; it’s about shifting perspectives to foster deeper connections and understanding. Rog discussed how reframing can help couples solve problems more effectively by viewing situations from different angles.
Understanding Reframing
Reframing is a psychological technique that involves changing the way a situation, thought, or emotion is viewed, thereby altering its meaning and impact. Rog explains that reframing helps empower couples to find new ways to tackle situations by stepping back to seethe bigger picture. He emphasizes that reframing for couples isn’t just about positivity but about shifting perspectives based on empathy and team-oriented thinking to enable a proactive step forward.
Five Key Reframes
1. Reframe 1: He Never Helps with the Chores
- Original Thought: He never helps with the chores. He walks through the door over the mess like he doesn’t even see it.
- Reframe: I feel overwhelmed with the housework. He feels overwhelmed with his job. We should create a plan to share the load more evenly and support each other better.
- Explanation: This reframe shifts the focus from blame to mutual understanding and cooperation. It fosters empathy and encourages collaboration. John Gottman’s research supports this, showing that couples who manage household tasks together have stronger, more resilient relationships
2. Reframe 2: Our Lives Are So Chaotic
- Original Thought: Our lives are so chaotic; we never have any time for each other.
- Reframe: Our lives are full and busy because we’re go-getters. If we put our minds to it, we can make space for us.
- Explanation: This reframe changes the perception of busyness from negative to positive, highlighting the couple’s capabilities and encouraging proactive planning. It suggests creating routines and rituals to carve out time for each other.
3. Reframe 3: Our Relationship Is So Boring
- Original Thought: Our relationship is so boring; we’ve lost the spark.
- Reframe: We’ve built a stable life together. How can we introduce new activities to reignite our excitement?
- Explanation: This reframe appreciates the stability in the relationship and encourages building on that foundation with new activities. Sue Johnson emphasizes the importance of creating positive experiences to enhance emotional bonds.
4. Reframe 4: We Argue All the Time
- Original Thought: We argue all the time; maybe we’re just not compatible.
- Reframe: Our arguments highlight areas where we need to grow and understand each other better. How can we use these conflicts to improve our relationship?
- Explanation: This reframe views conflicts as opportunities for growth and understanding. Relationship experts like Esther Perel and Terry Real support this approach, emphasizing the importance of repair and growth through conflict.
5. Reframe 5: Their Career Is More Important Than Me
- Original Thought: Their career is more important than me.
- Reframe: Their career is important to them and they are trying to provide for our family. We should talk about our values and what we both want out of life.
- Explanation: This reframe acknowledges the importance of the partner’s career while encouraging a dialogue about shared values and goals. Stan Tatkin emphasizes that secure relationships involve supporting each other’s aspirations.