4 Hard Truths That Will Change Your Relationship

Apple | Spotify

In episode 84, Kim and Rog tackle four hard truths that can dramatically change the course of a relationship. While it’s natural to avoid these realities, Kim and Rog emphasize that awareness of these truths can lead to a deeper and more connected relationship.

Hard Truth #1: Love Alone Isn’t Enough

Rog introduces the first hard truth, which is that love by itself isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. While love is a strong foundation, it must be coupled with conscious effort, emotional accessibility, and consistent actions to maintain a healthy bond. Citing research from Dr. John Gottman, Rog explains the importance of the 5-to-1 ratio, which suggests that for every negative interaction, couples should have five positive interactions to maintain emotional connection.

The hosts adds that love is a “doing” word and requires daily effort. They reference Dr. Sue Johnson’s acronym A.R.E. (Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement) to emphasize that love must be nurtured through emotional availability and consistent care. They both agree that while love is powerful, it must be actively practiced to maintain a strong, thriving relationship.

Hard Truth #2: A Woman’s Needs Shift After Having Kids

Kim presents the second hard truth, which addresses how a woman’s needs and priorities often shift after having children. She explains that hormonal changes during and after pregnancy can alter a woman’s focus, making the child her primary concern. This shift can create tension if the partner feels neglected or if the relationship dynamics change drastically.

Kim emphasizes that this biological shift is natural, and men must recognize and adjust their expectations accordingly. Rog adds that it’s crucial for men to understand and support this change rather than feel sidelined. He encourages men to embrace their new role in the family dynamic and provide more support during this critical time.

Hard Truth #3: You Can’t Pick and Choose When to Show Up

The third hard truth, according to Rog, is that consistency is key to building trust and emotional intimacy. You can’t selectively show up for your partner when it’s convenient; you have to be present all the time. Rog references Gottman’s “sliding doors” moments, where every interaction is an opportunity to either turn toward or away from your partner. Consistently turning toward your partner builds emotional security and strengthens the relationship.

Kim highlights that inconsistent behaviour can lead to instability and mistrust. If partners only engage when it suits them, it can create emotional disconnection and feelings of abandonment. She emphasizes that showing up consistently, even when it’s hard or inconvenient, is a fundamental aspect of a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

Hard Truth #4: Your Partner Can’t Meet All Your Needs

The final hard truth comes from Kim, who explains that expecting your partner to fulfill all your emotional, intellectual, and social needs is unrealistic. She references Esther Perel’s work, which suggests that a healthy relationship should allow space for both partners to pursue individual fulfillment outside of the relationship. Kim stresses the importance of balancing connection with autonomy, encouraging couples to support each other in seeking happiness through a variety of sources, not just their partner.

The hosts explain that co-dependency can lead to dissatisfaction and resentment. They encourage couples to cultivate personal interests and friendships outside the relationship, as this independence contributes to a more balanced and fulfilling partnership.

Final Reflections:

In their closing reflections, Kim and Rog share their gold nuggets from the episode. Kim’s takeaway is the importance of consistency—showing up for your partner every day is key to building trust and emotional safety. Rog reflects on the opportunities that come from facing these hard truths, emphasizing that while they may be uncomfortable, they lead to growth and deeper connection.