3 Things You Should Discuss Before You Get Married

These Show Notes are a ChatGPT summary of the episode transcript (with brief additional editing)

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When a couple gets engaged, questions like “why do you want to get married?” or “how did you know they were the one?” often come up. But are people asking deeper questions like “how do you both see the world?” or “what are your dreams for the future?” These are the questions that truly matter when committing to a life together. In this episode Kim and Rog discuss the importance of these conversations before you get married and how you can start discussing them with your partner today.

• The Importance of Discussing Values and Beliefs Before Marriage: One of the key aspects of a successful and long-lasting marriage is the compatibility and understanding of each other’s values and beliefs. Having an open and honest conversation about your values, beliefs, and expectations will help you:

 a. Understand Each Other’s World: Gain a deep understanding of your partner’s beliefs, values, and priorities, which shape every aspect of your lives. This understanding will help you make joint decisions more effectively and navigate potential conflicts with ease.

 b. Establish Values as a Framework to Life: Values can be thought of as the framework of your life, providing the boundaries within which it is acceptable for you to operate. Discussing these values will help you and your partner identify the core aspects of your life and create a shared vision for the future.

c. Align Values for a Harmonious Life: Aligning your values ensures that you and your partner are on the same page when making decisions. This alignment helps you make choices that are true to who you are as individuals and as a couple, contributing to a harmonious life.

d. Support Each Other’s Self-Awareness Journey: By discussing values, you may realize that your partner is at a different stage of self-awareness than you are. Creating a safe space for them to grow and develop with your support will help both partners be on the same page and create a strong, harmonious relationship.

• The Power of Dreaming Together for a Stronger Relationship: Shared purpose is a key component of any successful relationship. Discussing your dreams together can help you grow together, stay on the same page, and set a clear path towards achieving your shared goals. Here are some ways to make these dream conversations more productive:

a. Define Your Own Dreams: Ensure that you’re defining your own dreams rather than being swayed by the expectations of others, such as family or friends.

 b. Use Guided Exercises: Utilize visualization activities to help you and your partner create a vivid picture of your shared dreams. This exercise can guide your conversations and set you on a path toward achieving your goals.

c. Focus on What Matters Most: By understanding what truly matters to both of you, such as financial security, quality time with family, and meaningful relationships, you can work together to achieve a life that makes you both happy and fulfilled.

• What are you both willing to give up to achieve those dreams? – Compromise and Sacrifice: Discussing the sacrifices you’re willing to make as a couple can reduce friction in a relationship and create a deeper connection. These conversations are important for several reasons:

 a. Understand the Costs of Your Choices: Recognizing that there’s a cost to everything in life and that saying yes to one thing often means saying no to another will help you focus on your goals and reduce the risk of drifting apart.

b. Create Deliberate Alignment: Having these conversations creates a core alignment between you and your partner, enabling both of you to be on the same page and stay committed to your goals.

c. Avoid Second-Guessing or Regret: Discussing what you’re willing to sacrifice for your dreams ensures that both partners are aware of the decisions being made and helps.

They suggest practical tips for initiating these conversations:

• Create a safe space and pick a suitable time for both partners, ensuring that the conversations are a priority.
• Manage expectations before starting the discussions, understanding that disagreements and heated moments are natural.
• Avoid an adversarial approach; instead, focus on working as a team towards shared goals.
• Recognize that having someone’s support and being in each other’s corner is the ultimate goal of marriage.
• Schedule conversations using the habit-stacking technique by attaching these conversations to a habit you already enjoy and do regularly.
• Begin these conversations as early as possible in the relationship, regardless of how long you have been together.