3 Steps to a Better Apology

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In episode 78, Kim and Rog tackle the intricate art of apologising, emphasizing that a good apology goes beyond just saying “sorry.” This episode breaks down three critical steps to crafting a better apology including some common pitfalls.

The Importance of Apologies

Rog explains that relationships cycle through states of harmony, disharmony, and repair. Effective repair, which often involves a sincere apology, is crucial for maintaining strong and resilient relationships. The Gottmans’ research shows that couples who effectively apologise and repair tend to have longer, more resilient relationships.

Kim adds that apologising requires acknowledging the hurt caused and taking responsibility for one’s actions. She stresses that an apology is not about self-blame but about recognizing and making amends for behaviour that falls short of one’s standards. This approach helps restore trust and demonstrates a commitment to personal growth and the relationship.

Three Steps to a Better Apology

1. Acknowledge and Take Responsibility

Identify the Hurt: Clearly articulate what you did wrong and acknowledge the specific impact it had on your partner. For example, “I’m really sorry that I criticized your cooking in front of our friends. It wasn’t a nice thing to do, and I imagine that was quite embarrassing for you.”

Avoid Defensiveness: Take full ownership without making excuses or shifting the blame. Demonstrating maturity and a genuine willingness to make amends is essential. An example might be, “I was wrong to do that, and there’s no excuse for it.”

2. Express Genuine Regret and Empathy

Show Empathy: Make an effort to understand and communicate the emotional impact of your actions on your partner. For instance, “I can see how my words hurt you. It made you feel embarrassed and undervalued, and I really regret causing you that pain.”

Be Vulnerable: Vulnerability is key to a meaningful apology. Let your partner see that you genuinely regret your actions and are impacted by the hurt you caused. An example might be, “I got caught up in a joke and only thought about myself. As a result, I hurt you, and I feel terrible about it.”

3. Commit to Change

State Your Intentions: Clearly state what you will do differently to prevent the same mistake in the future. This shows a commitment to personal growth and reassures your partner. For example, “In the future, I’ll make a conscious effort to not get caught up in the moment and appreciate that being flippant about something you put effort into could really hurt you.”

Ask for Forgiveness: Offer to make things right and ask for your partner’s forgiveness. This step reinforces your commitment to change and to the relationship. An example might be, “I hope you can forgive me. If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you, please let me know.”

Common Pitfalls in Apologies:

Rog and Kim highlight some common pitfalls to avoid when apologising:

• Half-Hearted Apologies: Statements like “I’m sorry if I made you feel…” or “I’m sorry, but…” lack sincerity and fail to take full responsibility.
• Defensive Apologies: Shifting blame or making excuses undermines the apology’s effectiveness.
• Sweeping Statements: Vague apologies like “I’m sorry for everything” lack specificity and do not address the specific hurt caused.

What if you both need to apologise?

Often both parties will be required to apologise in order to make an effective repair after an argument or rift. So, who goes first in these situations? Rog quotes Esther Perel’s take on this common scenario:

“There is power in apologising first. It’s not only because there is power in vulnerability. It’s because there is something about owning, claiming, and taking responsibility that gives you a sense of agency. It’s not power “over” another; it’s power “to”—to clear the debris, to reorganize the pieces, to make things right. When you apologise, you choose to change the story, to move the plot forward.”

Handling Unaccepted Apologies

Kim addresses the difficult scenario where a partner does not accept the apology. She explains that this rejection can be challenging but emphasizes that the act of apologising itself is powerful and important. Even if the apology is not immediately accepted, it demonstrates vulnerability and a willingness to grow. Kim encourages listeners to hold on to the significance of their effort and to understand that their partner might need time to process and accept the apology.